If I Make it Look Easy

I apologize if I make it look easy.  It’s not.  I know many people experience difficulties.  Scratch that – EVERYBODY experiences difficulties, but it’s not obvious to most.  We typically don’t announce our shortcomings or negative experiences, but we blast our happy moments.  In actuality, we all experience the good and bad.  However, when you’re going through your bad and everyone is speaking of their good, it seems like you are the only person with negative experiences and; therefore, your life must be worse than everyone else’s.  That’s simply not true. 

I can honestly say that this past year has been the worse in my life.  I swear, either me or a very close loved one experienced just about every adversity on the top ten list of phucked up things you never want to experience.  Although listing them would probably make someone else feel better, I won’t.  Those experiences are tied to others and I choose not to disclose their business, even if it’s mine too.  Trust me, they are doosies.

Despite this awful year, I smile daily.  I know that difficulties are short-term in the scheme of things even if they last for a long time.  Things get better.  I’ve always split myself among friends.  No one person knows all of me.  I have friends for different things.  So while some may know a few of the things I’ve gone through, others will know something completely different that I experienced.  If one person knew it all, they would be amazed that I’m not in an insane asylum.  Still, with the little they do know, some still say that I handle my adversity well and make it look easy.  Yes, it’s a complaint, but on a deeper level, it’s also deceptive.

I cry myself to sleep, hug my pillows when I’m lonely, check my phone to see if anyone thought enough of me to text, listen hard in the middle of the night to make sure my children sleep peacefully, look at them through the corners of my eyes to make sure they are not sad, sneak candid pics of my love when he’s not looking to stare at later when I miss him, blink my eyes three times when I open my student loan bills in hopes that the balance will magically decrease by the third eye shutter (recently it did), try not to roll my eyes when I’m listening to someone who thinks they know more than I do on a matter and try to belittle me while simultaneously sounding stupid, remain cordial even when I know someone has done something purposely to hurt me, but most of all, I walk through life with my head held high waiting on the next good thing to distract me from the bad thing that just happened.  Although this year has been extremely difficult, I absolutely love life.  I learn so much from negative experiences, but that doesn’t mean I want them to keep happening.  I just know that good is sure to follow.

Your challenge is to recognize your good and the good that surrounds you.  For one day, just focus on you.  Don’t compare your life to the seemingly happy couple/family pics posted on social media.  That’s just what they decided to share.  You don’t see their disagreements or fights, so relax. They are just like you and me – human.  I don’t want people to think I have it going on.  I don’t.  If I make it look easy, it’s not.  Sorry.

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