It’s not you, it’s me. Have you ever been told that infamous break up line? It is horrendous. It explains nothing. It says nothing. You leave with nothing. They might as well just abruptly stop talking to you and let you figure out that they are gone.
Most of us adults have had a relationship or two (or multiple ones). In at least one, I would assume that you got dumped. It’s just not logical and realistic that you were always the dumper. With that in mind, your partner had to tell you that they wanted out at some point. Sometimes we’re devastated, but rarely is it a complete surprise. There are usually signs when things head south. We just usually pretend they aren’t happening. Then when our partner says they want out, we look confused and ask why. Depending on the jerkiness level of that partner depends on the response you are given. It may be an honest truth, a mix of truth and lie, a damn lie, or something that says nothing like, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
I had a conversation with a friend and we were talking about someone who claimed not to know why their relationship ended. That made no sense to us. I then thought back to all of my previous relationships with a focus on the end. Did I really know why they ended? Did my exes know?
I’m good friends with many of my exes. Yes, just friends. Once I’m finally done, done; I have no emotional attachment to an ex and I can interact with him like a play cousin. However, with a few of them, I had to go back eventually and ask why we broke up. Ha. That reminds me…I have an ex in a group chat room that I’m in and the question came up about why me and this ex broke up. Amazingly, we both had different explanations. It turns out that we broke up based on lies and misinformation on both of our parts. We laughed our butts off. It was so funny that we broke up based on what other people said and never checked with each other. Oh well, we’ve both grown and now he’s my group chat buddy, my play cousin.
A few years ago, I reconnected with another ex that I hated for years, only to find out that there were things I thought he was doing in our relationship that he was not. Although he could’ve been lying, I found out that he wasn’t by mistake. Again, I was baffled. I had to finally put out my hatred for this dude and forgive myself. He’s my play cousin too now.
In thinking about this other person and their insistence of not knowing why they were dumped, I thought that maybe there is a chance of not knowing. I then turned to my trusty social media buddies and asked if they would want to know the REAL reason why an ex dumped them. Some believed that they would want to know for self -improvement purposes. If they were unconsciously doing something that turned their partner off and could potentially turn off another partner in the future, then they were all for finding out the real deal.
On the other hand, some didn’t want to know. Some felt that having open communication and access with an ex is a recipe for disaster. They said once the door was closed, keep it that way. Some of those who also said they wouldn’t want to know explained that they should already have an idea of what went wrong during the relationship. This goes back to what I wrote initially about those warning signs that we pretend aren’t there. Lastly, someone stated that going back to ask an ex the real reason is only for ego purposes to temporarily ease the pain, which actually doesn’t ease it at all.
Most of us have learned that time heals. Explanations of wrong doings or break ups usually doesn’t change the fact that the relationship is over. Eventually, we move on to something or someone who better suits our needs for companionship…hopefully. Your challenge is to look forward. Looking backwards while moving forward only makes you run into walls.