Heeeeyyy, Future Ex-Husband!

Yes, I have secretly called many men my future ex-husbands. Why?  Well, because they are simply men I’ve had crushes on, but I know damn well if I got with them in real life, we’d be over before we really began – hence the term, my future ex-husband.

See, I’ve learned to enjoy the excitement of fantasy.  I may see a super handsome dude online and lust til my little heart is content, but in actuality, that dude will probably not keep my attention.  Looks aren’t everything.  He may be fine today, but will he still be fine two years from now?  Will that chiseled six-pack all the women trace with their fingers on their computer screens turn into a keg?  Probably so.  Does fineness even matter in a relationship?  Nope, not at all.  What if he’s fine, but can’t even speak in proper English when need be?  I know I speak country hood at times, but I also know how to code switch and wax eloquently if the time is right.  Can he do the same?  Can fine dude even read?  That’s a prerequisite.  So for all his sexiness, he may not have anything else going for him.  That can’t work for me.

I remember having a crush on guy FOR YEARS.  If he looked at me, if he spoke to me, if he walked by me I was melted butter.  I wrote my first name with his last name often.  I named our future babies in my head.  I planned everything I wanted to do with this dude.  Dude didn’t even know I existed all those years.  He was just my fantasy and I was cool with that.  One year though, things changed.  My crew and his crew hung out.  He noticed me…finally.  It only took three years, but who was counting.  We talked and enjoyed each other’s company that day.  I felt this was it.  My life had hit the point that I wanted.  I wanted this dude in my arms, in my world.  Here we go!

We decided to hang out soon together, just the two of us without our crews.  Awwww, I was excited and nervous.  This was just the moment I needed for that stepping stone to get that last name I had been writing on papers and throwing away for years.  He picked me up, we hung out, we had a good time, and at the end of the date he kissed me… Noooooooo! Why?  It was awful.  I was beyond disappointed.

It turns out, I’m not the only one of my associates who had a crush that turned into a disappointment.  My friends said their crushes turned out to be immature, had a one track mind, were illiterate, and one even shamed them for not being religious enough, but asked if they could be booty partners instead of a couple since she wasn’t devout, Christian, wife material. Their stories made me feel a little better.  Misery loves company, they say.

So after all those years of stalking…I mean admiring, all those pieces of paper I wasted, all those daydreaming distractions just took time away from something I could’ve been doing productive.  That one kiss killed my fantasy of him and every man since then.  My crushes ever since have made me only want to keep them as fantasies because of that kiss.  That kiss is the reason why I think my crushes will never live up to my ideas of who they may be.  So my crushes are now “my future ex-husbands.”  I’ve decided to stay in my fantasy world and lust from a far without ever getting to really know them.  It’s not likely we’ll meet anyway.  My crushes reside on tv and movie screens and I don’t plan on being on set.

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