Don’t Change. I Love Everything about You, Except THAT…

Love. I love it!  I think most people love love too.  That’s why everyone seeks relationships that make them happy because they want to be loved.  We’ve all heard that we can only make ourselves happy.  Yeah, yeah, yeah; but having someone who brightens our day can make things feel a whole lot better.

Every year there are publications that come out with a list of the sexiest or most beautiful people on the planet.  Many of us look at those lists and think, “You’ve got to be kidding me.  They are not even cute.”  I’ve wondered a time or two about who are the people who came up with these lists and was there anyone else who had to give approval because the chosen ones baffled me.

I believe I was in 5th grade when I realized that everyone has different tastes.  There were some new students in school who came from different South American countries all at one time.  I don’t recall why we had a sudden influx of Latino students, but in my southern town in Georgia, we were only used to seeing blacks and whites, so we were mesmerized.  I remember distinctly that a lot of girls liked this one particular new boy named Mario Lopez (no, not THE Mario Lopez).  Yet, some girls said he was not cute.    “How can you not think he’s cute?”  I remember asking a friend.  “He’s just not,” she replied.  It was at that moment that I realized the differences of attraction.

When we find love, we want that feeling to last a long time.  Whatever attracts us to a particular person is usually physical at least at first and then there are other elements that we learn to find attractive as well as we get to know them.

Many people find their first loves in high school, but not as many end up being with that person for our eternity.   New loves come and go until we think we have found “The One.”  As time goes on and you enjoy your life with “The One,” sometimes the things that attracted us to them before are no longer there or in the same place.  Maybe those lifted cheeks now sag and resemble bags.  Those perky breasts are now near her navel.  His perfect six pack has turned into a keg.  Can you still be in love with your love despite those physical changes?  Would you ask them to change back into what attracted you to them?

While you’re focusing on how your love’s appearance has changed over the years, let’s flip it and discuss your changes.  See, those same things that changed on them have probably changed on you as well.  So how would you react if your love asked you to change your appearance to please them?  Of course, I turned to my trusty social media crew to ask their opinions.

Sure, I’ll Change to Please my Love

There were some willing lover pleasers in the crowd.  Several stated that if asked to lose weight, they would work on their lover’s request.  Since weight is related to health, they were willing to accept this challenge, especially if that lover was willing to help them change or even join them in their attempts to live a healthier lifestyle.

Some replied that their lover’s opinion of their appearance is important for their success as a couple.  If lover is unhappy, then the relationship will have problems.  Therefore, if a request is agreed upon and simple enough, it shall be granted.

One respondent admitted to ending a relationship or two because of appearances.  They were secure enough to know that although, that potential life partner may have been a good person, they were uncomfortable with certain features and did not want to get too far into a relationship knowing that they would probably grow more unhappy as time progressed.

Another maturely responded that as time goes on, we all change and want different things in life.  So understanding that fact, you must accept that your lover’s preferences may change with time as well.  So a person should not be offended if their lover prefers something a little different later on down the line. Hmmm, interesting, I thought.  Let’s check on the other side…

You Got me Like This, I’m Staying Like This

Ummm, this group was not budging. No way, uhh uhh.  They were not having it. This group of people were quite vocal.  Well, as vocal as possible typing, but you could just hear their displeasure through their written words.

Some wrote about their own views of themselves being the most important in the relationship.  If they were happy with themselves and their appearance, lover would just have to be mad.  You can’t make someone else happy, if it makes you unhappy.  That’s not fair to you and would later cause resentment.

A few remarked that if you had a similar appearance (in weight, style, etc.) as when you first met your love, dated, married, or whatever and now they want you to look a different way; then the perception was that they really just wanted you to become someone else.   For example, if I weighed 160 with long brown hair and now you want me to lose 40 pounds, and wear my hair in a short, blond pixie; you want someone else.

The naturalistas came out in force. As most have realized, a lot of Black women have grown to love and embrace their natural God-given textures and are challenging society’s notion that only European standards are deemed beautiful and acceptable.  They are loving the way they were made.  However, some people still do not approve of natural hair on Black women.  Some even say that natural hair is not for everyone.  That statement is an odd one, because it basically says God made a mistake with your hair, so you need to change those kinks and coils.

How can what you were born with not be for you?  They usually can’t explain that.  So the naturalistas said they would not press, blow out, flat iron, or perm their hair at the request of a lover.  No way.  As adamant as these women were about their hair, I suggest that if you are attracted to a naturalista, but you really don’t like her hair and think she will straighten it for you, then you need to move on to someone else.  It’s probably not going to happen for you.  Take heed now.

All in all, our preferences change throughout life.  You may have eaten chitterlings as a child and grew up to hate them.  You may have enjoyed the company of a plus sized woman back in the day, but now you’re only attracted to rail, thin women.  Maybe you wanted to be a scientist and later became a chef.  We change.  It’s life.  However, as we change, so do your partners.  Their appearance, personalities, and interests may change over time.  You have to come to terms with what you feel is acceptance to change for that partner if they tell you that that want you to meet their new preference.

Will you accept their challenge or will you tell them that you are happy just as you are and you hope that they will continue to love you the same?  Either way, communication is key to understanding the needs and wants of your partner.  Are you listening?  Are you talking?  Are you both communicating?  Only time will tell.

Leave a Reply